A creative "translation" of the epistle of James, written from the perspective of the fictitious Jamie, as she writes to the girls at Camp Pine Cove.
COPYRIGHTED BOOK EXCERPT, CHAPTER 1:
Hi everyone! This is Jamie, a follower of Jesus Christ, and I’m writing this letter to the twelve girls’ cabins in Camp Pine Cove. How have you all been?
I just want to say, that whenever you fall into icky situations, consider it a good thing, because it will give you faith and patience, and that’s really awesome! When you let patience work inside your heart, it can transform you into a new person.
If you feel like you’re not the brightest crayon in the box, just ask God for more wisdom and stuff, and he’ll give it to you. When you ask, you have to really believe what you’re asking. This isn’t like leaving a tooth under your pillow and knowing deep down inside that the Tooth Fairy isn’t real. If you pray to God like he’s the Tooth Fairy, you’re not going to get anything back.
If you are poor, don’t feel bad and have low self-esteem. Look at yourself in the mirror and smile! Rich people should become more humble since their gold coins are like dandelions that some farmer is going to mow eventually. Remember when you went on summer vacation, and the sun was so hot that you had to swim in the pool and keep applying sunscreen? Rich people’s corporations are like men without sunscreen, and eventually their businesses will start to burn.
People are blessed when they are tempted by things but still stay true to God. It’s like the night before Christmas, when you really want to open your Christmas presents, but you know you shouldn’t. It might feel good to tear open the paper and see if your mom got you the locket that looks like a latte, but ultimately you’re just going to feel guilty afterwards. If you resist temptation and keep those presents wrapped until Christmas morning, then you should give yourself a pat on the back!
Nobody should say that God tempted them, because God is never tempted with evil. But every human person is tempted at one time or another, because temptation is like a really enticing dessert. You know you shouldn’t eat it, because it has about 300 calories and is made of trans fat, but everyone’s pinning it on their boards, and it just looks so good! However, if you eat the dessert, then your sweet tooth temptation turns into sin, and sin turns into death. It’s just a really bad cycle, so you should stop sinning immediately.
All of the good stuff in life comes from our Heavenly Father. He stays the same and never changes. God decided to show us the truth through the Bible. He wants us to rule over the other creatures, like gnats, newts, and basically any other animal you can think of.
You should always listen to people when they talk to you instead of blowing them off. And if you’re going to say something stupid, think about it in your head for a while before you say it. Also, work on your anger issues so that you don’t throw a fit every time someone doesn’t say hi to you in the hallway. People’s anger problems are not helpful towards God. Get rid of all the disgusting and mean things you do, and exchange them for Christ-like attributes. It will save your soul!
Don’t just go to church on Sundays and sing the contemporary songs and the token hymn – you also need to start acting like a Christian. If you just learn Bible buzzwords without actually becoming a Christian, it’s like looking at yourself in the mirror, seeing a zit on your face, and then forgetting it was there. But if you read the Bible and do what it says, you’ll be blessed. Sometimes people seem uber religious, but they say really terrible things because they’re hypocrites. We should also take care of widows and orphans.
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