As much as I love sports fashion, I know almost next-to-nothing about sneaker culture -- including the insanely popular world of Air Jordans. I know people love them and go absolutely nuts over them, camping out for releases and paying absurd prices for rare Jordans on the resale market, but that's about it. 

However, not knowing about a topic has never stopped me from discussing it with total authority, and that's not about to change. Since part of the latest "The Last Dance" episodes will focus on MJ's marketability, now's a good time to be in the MJ/Air Jordan business. As such, I am thrilled to capitalize on this opportunity and present to you my definitive, very informed and very important ranking of every Air Jordan ever made.

Sneakerheads, Please leave all complaints on CBS Sports' MySpace page, while all positive feedback will be welcome at @peteblackburn on Twitter.

All images courtesy of Nike

34. Air Jordan XVI (2000-2001)

air-jordan-16.jpg
Nike

Cool Batman suit; where's the rest of it?


33. Air Jordan XV (1999-2000)

air-jordan-15.jpg
Nike

This is an anvil, not a shoe.


32. Air Jordan XIX (2003-2004) 

air-jordan-19.jpg
Nike

What the hell is that design in the front? Is that a fencing mask? A bluetooth speaker? Will it strain my pasta? I need answers.


31. Air Jordan XIV (1998-1999) 

air-jordan-14.jpg
Nike

I can only assume this sneaker is worn exclusively by people who have motorcycle jackets but no motorcycle.


30. Air Jordan 2010 (2010) 

air-jordan-25.jpg
Nike

The first-ever sneaker that you can speak into and order fast food.


29. Air Jordan XXI (2005-2006) 

air-jordan-21.jpg
Nike

This one seems like it might look like a Jackson Pollock if placed under a blacklight.


28. Air Jordan XIII (1997-1998) 

air-jordan-13.jpg
Nike

Maybe it's just me but I can't not see a crocodile's face when I look at this. I'm honestly not sure if that's good or bad.


27. Air Jordan 2009 (2009) 

air-jordan-24.jpg
Nike

I just can't get past the green thing on this one. It looks like the indicator that hovers over selected characters in "The Sims." This is a Sims shoe.


26. Air Jordan XX3 (2008-2009) 

air-jordan-23.jpg
Nike

This is the ugly Christmas sweater of sneakers.


25. Air Jordan XXX (2015-2016) 

air-jordan-xxx.jpg
Nike

This thing is straight out of a "Black Mirror" episode and I hate it so much.


24. Air Jordan XVII (2001-2002) 

air-jordan-17.jpg
Nike

OK, just kidding -- THIS thing is straight out of a "Black Mirror" episode and I hate it so much.


23. Air Jordan XVIII (2002-2003) 

air-jordan-18.jpg
Nike

This shoe is a kid who goes to parties but just does weird stuff by himself in the corner. Everyone else is having a good time and he's trying to cast spells and crap.


22. Air Jordan X (1994-1995) 

air-jordan-10.jpg
Nike

All these vertical lines remind me of that arcade game where you have to shoot the clown's teeth out.


21. Air Jordan XX8 (2013) 

air-jordan-28.jpg
Nike

Listen, I have enough trouble remembering to zip up my fly as it is. I don't need to have to remember to zip up my shoes too.


20. Air Jordan XII (1996-1997) 

air-jordan-12.jpg
Nike

This one is so boring that I can't even think of a clever way to roast it.


19. Air Jordan XXXIV (2019)

air-jordan-xxxiv-basketball-shoe-rg4jcv-2.jpg
Nike

*Jordan tries molly once*


18. Air Jordan XX2 (2007-2008) 

air-jordan-22.jpg
Nike

Business in the front, supporting the troops in the back.


17. Air Jordan II (1986-1987) 

air-jordan-2.jpg
Nike

The design of the black part at the bottom makes it seem like this sneaker is trying so hard to be a dress shoe, which it is clearly not. Just be yourself, man.


16. Air Jordan IX (1993-1994) 

air-jordan-9.jpg
Nike

I'm finding it hard to care about this shoe.


15. Air Jordan III (1987-1988) 

air-jordan-3.jpg
Nike

I feel like this could be a really nice-looking shoe if it wasn't wearing bondage straps.


14. Air Jordan XX9 (2014) 

air-jordan-xxix.jpg
Nike

This one is neat because they scaled the logo to match your mom's iPhone font size.


13. Air Jordan XX (2004-2005) 

air-jordan-20.jpg
Nike

Does that red ankle attachment mean that this shoe is decaf?


12. Air Jordan 2011 (2011) 

air-jordan-26.jpg
Nike

This shoe got the stone man disease from "Game of Thrones." RIP.


11. Air Jordan V (1989-1990) 

air-jordan-5.jpg
Nike

Congrats on being the only pair of Jordans with a flame decal that was ripped off a minivan.


10. Air Jordan XXX1 (2016) 

air-jordan-xxxi.jpg
Nike

The perfect shoe for any nerd who can't decide between Spider-Man and Venom. 


9. Air Jordan VI (1990-1991) 

air-jordan-6.jpg
Nike

This sneaker feels like it probably has a much hotter twin sibling. Like, it's not bad looking, but you can only see it as the worse-looking version of something else.


8. Air Jordan I (1984-1985) 

air-jordan-1.jpg
Nike

I have a sneaking feeling that someone is going to try to fight me for ranking these so low.


7. Air Jordan 2012 (2012) 

air-jordan-27.jpg
Nike

The Storm Trooper 3s. 


6. Air Jordan XXXII (2017) 

air-jordan-xxxii.jpg
Nike

The Darth Maul 6s.


5. Air Jordan IV (1988-1989) 

air-jordan-4.jpg
Nike

I feel like this one actually might be a Transformer in disguise but it's hot regardless. 


4. Air Jordan XXX3 (2018) 

air-jordan-33.jpg
Nike

If you took the sensuality of a saxophone and turned it into a sneaker, this would be what it looked like.


3. Air Jordan XI (1995-1996) 

air-jordan-11.jpg
Nike

Obviously, I have no idea what a classic pair of Jordans looks like, but I feel like this is probably a classic pair of Jordans. 


2. Air Jordan VII (1991-1992) 

air-jordan-7.jpg
Nike

I may not know anything about Jordans but I know a lot about the 90s, and these were most certainly made in the 90s. That is most certainly a compliment.


1. Air Jordan VIII (1992-1993) 

air-jordan-8.jpg
Nike

I would wait in line for hours and/or get beaten up for a pair of these.