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Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) Paperback – September 1, 2015
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What is Violent Communication?
If “violent” means acting in ways that result in hurt or harm, then much of how we communicate—judging others, bullying, having racial bias, blaming, finger pointing, discriminating, speaking without listening, criticizing others or ourselves, name-calling, reacting when angry, using political rhetoric, being defensive or judging who’s “good/bad” or what’s “right/wrong” with people—could indeed be called “violent communication.”
What is Nonviolent Communication?
Nonviolent Communication is the integration of four things:
• Consciousness: a set of principles that support living a life of compassion, collaboration, courage, and authenticity
• Language: understanding how words contribute to connection or distance
• Communication: knowing how to ask for what we want, how to hear others even in disagreement, and how to move toward solutions that work for all
• Means of influence: sharing “power with others” rather than using “power over others”
Nonviolent Communication serves our desire to do three things:
• Increase our ability to live with choice, meaning, and connection
• Connect empathically with self and others to have more satisfying relationships
• Sharing of resources so everyone is able to benefit
- Print length264 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherPuddleDancer Press
- Publication dateSeptember 1, 2015
- Dimensions6 x 0.7 x 9 inches
- ISBN-10189200528X
- ISBN-13978-1892005281
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- Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting.Highlighted by 13,458 Kindle readers
- Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.Highlighted by 11,929 Kindle readers
- observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.Highlighted by 11,002 Kindle readers
- Four components of NVC: 1. observations 2. feelings 3. needs 4. requestsHighlighted by 10,115 Kindle readers
- We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.Highlighted by 9,098 Kindle readers
Editorial Reviews
Review
“Dr. Rosenberghas brought the simplicity of successful communication into the foreground. No matter what issue you’re facing, his strategies for communicating with others will set you up to win every time.” —Anthony Robbins,author, Awaken the Giant Within and Unlimited Power
“Marshall Rosenberg’sdynamic communication techniques transform potential conflicts into peaceful dialogues and create compassionate connections. I highly recommend this book.” — John Gray, Ph.D., author of Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus
"You have to be able to say, 'Where is this person coming from?' he says. 'What makes them tick? Why are they excited or frustrated by something that is happening, whether it’s about computing or beyond computing?' There’s far more to McCracken’s outstanding piece. Nadella gave him a close and honest look at both himself and Microsoft, and the result is a fun must-read." — Ben Kerschberg, Forbes
"Upon becoming Microsoft CEO, Satya Nadella asked his top executives to read Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication. . . . If empathy as a measure of emotional IQ is a predictor of success, then Nadella hit the nail on the head by inculcating the corporate giant with the trait from top to bottom. Why else is empathy important? Microsoft is both a services and a product company, and its offerings have to resonate with users. Nadella states: 'You have to be able to say, "Where is this person coming from? What makes them tick? Why are they excited or frustrated by something that is happening, whether it's about computing or beyond computing?"' — Harry McCracken, Fast Company
"The 1 Book That Transformed Microsoft's Culture from Cutthroat to Creative." — Satya Nadella, Microsoft CEO
"Nadella's time as CEO was initially shaped by Marshall Rosenberg's 'Nonviolent Communication,' which he asked his top executives to read. This was the first indicator to senior leadership that Nadella would not operate like his predecessors" — Satya Nadella, Microsoft CEO, Business Insider
"The CEO of Microsoft, the most valuable company in the world, grounds himself and Microsoft's culture on ideas he's learned thanks to his reading habit. ‘I read a few pages here or a few pages there,’ Nadella told Fast Company. ‘There are a few books, of course, that you read end-to-end. But without books I can't live.’ Nadella's time as CEO was initially shaped by Marshall Rosenberg's ‘Nonviolent Communication,’ which he asked his top executives to read. This was the first indicator to senior leadership that Nadella would not operate like his predecessors. Nadella recommended it to his leadership team, symbolically differentiating his expectations from that of his predecessors. Nonviolent communication integrates qualities like compassion and effective communication to allow for better leadership. Rosenberg writes from a position of experience and research: He has started peace programs in places throughout the world that have experienced the effects of war, including Rwanda, Sri Lanka, Serbia, and Ireland. This book outlines the principles of peaceful conflict resolution. It's interesting to note that one of the concepts involves sharing power with others instead of using power over others. Nadella recommended it to his leadership team, symbolically differentiating his expectations from that of his predecessors. Reports have found that Microsoft used to have a conflict-heavy culture under Steve Ballmer — now there's nonviolent communication coming from the top." — Satya Nadella, Microsoft CEO, Business Insider
About the Author
Dr. Rosenberg has received a number of awards for his Nonviolent Communication work including:
2014: Champion of Forgiveness Award from the Worldwide Forgiveness Alliance
2006: Bridge of Peace Nonviolence Award from the Global Village Foundation
2005: Light of God Expressing in Society Award from the Association of Unity Churches
2004: Religious Science International Golden Works Award
2004: International Peace Prayer Day Man of Peace Award by the Healthy, Happy Holy (3HO) Organization
2002: Princess Anne of England and Chief of Police Restorative Justice Appreciation Award
2000: International Listening Association Listener of the Year Award
Dr. Rosenberg first used the NVC process in federally funded school integration projects to provide mediation and communication skills training during the 1960s. The Center for Nonviolent Communication, which he founded in 1984, now has hundreds of certified NVC trainers and supporters teaching NVC in more than sixty countries around the globe. A sought-after presenter, peacemaker and visionary leader, Dr. Rosenberg led NVC workshops and international intensive trainings for tens of thousands of people in over 60 countries across the world and provided training and initiated peace programs in many war-torn areas including Nigeria, Sierra Leone, and the Middle East.
He worked tirelessly with educators, managers, health care providers, lawyers, military officers, prisoners, police and prison officials, government officials, and individual families. With guitar and puppets in hand and a spiritual energy that filled a room, Marshall showed us how to create a more peaceful and satisfying world.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Nonviolent Communication
A Language of Life
By Marshall B. Rosenberg, Lucy LeuPuddleDancer Press
Copyright © 2015 PuddleDancer PressAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-892005-28-1
Contents
Foreword by Deepak Chopra, MD,Acknowledgments,
1 Giving From the Heart,
2 Communication That Blocks Compassion,
3 Observing Without Evaluating,
4 Identifying and Expressing Feelings,
5 Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings,
6 Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life,
7 Receiving Empathically,
8 The Power of Empathy,
9 Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves,
10 Expressing Anger Fully,
11 Conflict Resolution and Mediation,
12 The Protective Use of Force,
13 Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others,
14 Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication,
Epilogue,
Bibliography,
Index,
The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process,
Some Basic Feelings and Needs We All Have,
About Nonviolent Communication,
About PuddleDancer Press,
About the Center for Nonviolent Communication,
Trade Books From PuddleDancer Press,
Trade Booklets From PuddleDancer Press,
About the Author,
CHAPTER 1
Giving From the Heart
The Heart of Nonviolent Communication
What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.
— Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
Introduction
Believing that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner, I have been preoccupied most of my life with two questions: What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?
My preoccupation with these questions began in childhood, around the summer of 1943, when our family moved to Detroit, Michigan. The second week after we arrived, a race war erupted over an incident at a public park. More than forty people were killed in the next few days. Our neighborhood was situated in the center of the violence, and we spent three days locked in the house.
When the race riot ended and school began, I discovered that a name could be as dangerous as any skin color. When the teacher called my name during attendance, two boys glared at me and hissed, "Are you a kike?" I had never heard the word before and didn't know some people used it in a derogatory way to refer to Jews. After school, the same two boys were waiting for me: they threw me to the ground and kicked and beat me.
Since that summer in 1943, I have been examining the two questions I mentioned. What empowers us, for example, to stay connected to our compassionate nature even under the worst circumstances? I am thinking of people like Etty Hillesum, who remained compassionate even while subjected to the grotesque conditions of a German concentration camp. As she wrote in her journal at the time,
I am not easily frightened. Not because I am brave but because I know that I am dealing with human beings, and that I must try as hard as I can to understand everything that anyone ever does. And that was the real import of this morning: not that a disgruntled young Gestapo officer yelled at me, but that I felt no indignation, rather a real compassion, and would have liked to ask, 'Did you have a very unhappy childhood, has your girlfriend let you down?' Yes, he looked harassed and driven, sullen and weak. I should have liked to
Product details
- Publisher : PuddleDancer Press; Third Edition, Third edition (September 1, 2015)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 264 pages
- ISBN-10 : 189200528X
- ISBN-13 : 978-1892005281
- Item Weight : 15.2 ounces
- Dimensions : 6 x 0.7 x 9 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #1,010 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #9 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- #55 in Personal Transformation Self-Help
- #56 in Psychology & Counseling
- Customer Reviews:
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About the author
Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. has initiated peace programs in war-torn areas throughout the world including Rwanda, Burundi, Nigeria, Malaysia, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, the Middle East, Serbia, Croatia, and Ireland. He is the founder and director of educational services for the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC), an international nonprofit organization that offers workshops and training in 30 countries. Dr. Rosenberg is the author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (2nd edition, PuddleDancer Press, 2003).
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Customers find the book provides useful information for personal growth and professional development. They describe it as a valuable read that helps them understand communication better. The book helps them connect with values of compassion and empathy, working on emotional intelligence and self-awareness. Many consider the process powerful and helpful. However, opinions differ on how easy it is to apply the techniques described in the book.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book provides helpful information for establishing peaceful relationships. They say it's great as an overview of a subject that most people would benefit from. The content is useful for personal growth and professional development. Readers appreciate the practical tips and examples of how to execute NVC. The fundamental concept behind the book is decent and can be applied in all aspects of life.
"...Would highly recommend this book and its very pointed examples." Read more
"...ordered, the flow of the book, etc, but the content of this book is so helpful and necessary to humans that it certainly compensates for the other..." Read more
"...It's refreshingly un-biased. It provides practical tips and examples of how to execute NVC so that everyone's needs get met and we move toward..." Read more
"...no empirical research done on this, but I think there are still deep truths and practical tips that could help anyone and everyone communicate in..." Read more
Customers find the book easy to read and well-written. They say it's a valuable read, useful tool, and a paradigm shifter. The book is organized well and comes with helpful notes.
"...Overall, this is a fantastic book. A book that I wish was mandated in schools, in businesses, etc...." Read more
"...I think this book is also an excellent "refresher" book for those Jedis out there who want to brush up on their communication skills while..." Read more
"Excellent. This is clear, transformative information. Immediately applicable. It is changing how I speak to myself and to others...." Read more
"...Very well written and is the gold standard for every day use...." Read more
Customers find the book helpful for understanding communication better. They say it teaches a clear structure of communication that helps them communicate effectively. The book provides good talking points and makes them see conversations differently, improving relationships.
"Having empathy in a disagreement in huge in developing excellent communication skills...." Read more
"...to execute NVC so that everyone's needs get met and we move toward harmony/real connection...." Read more
"...At its core, Nonviolent Communication is about communicating honestly and receiving empathetically, a way of communicating that “leads us to give..." Read more
"Basic communication concepts that should be taught at an early age. Very well written and is the gold standard for every day use...." Read more
Customers find the book helpful in developing empathy and compassion. They say it helps them connect with values, improve communication skills, and work on emotional intelligence and self-awareness. The book teaches how to identify feelings, share them, and understand relationships better. It also helps them improve their attitude and how to talk to others who are angry.
"Having empathy in a disagreement in huge in developing excellent communication skills...." Read more
"...This is all about receiving someone’s words empathically...." Read more
"...who want to brush up on their communication skills while working on emotional intelligence and self-awareness...." Read more
"...Nonviolent Communication is about communicating honestly and receiving empathetically, a way of communicating that “leads us to give from the heart.”..." Read more
Customers find the book helpful. They say it's a powerful process that can have powerful effects. The author's passion for NVC is touching.
"...I say this because I think it is important to realize that NVC is super powerful and useful in the right context. Anyways, enjoy the book...." Read more
"I am sure NVC is one of the most powerful and liberating tools I will ever learn. The book is short, no page is wasted." Read more
"...them for more than 10 years, I can personally attest to the power of this simple process...." Read more
"...It is compassionately written and the author's passion for NVC is touching...." Read more
Customers have different views on the book's application. Some find it intuitive and clear, with good examples and exercises. They say the methodology is clear and easy to apply. However, others feel the process is profoundly difficult and requires discipline and awareness. The book may be too basic for some people and have unrealistic views.
"...The author's narration is perfect. A lot of the information seems intuitive...yet it does take work! -..." Read more
"Excellent. This is clear, transformative information. Immediately applicable. It is changing how I speak to myself and to others...." Read more
"...Though it sounds simple, this is profoundly difficult; most of us are unaware of the needs we truly have, and communicating those needs is..." Read more
"Easy to read, understand and implement communication strategies." Read more
Customers have different views on the book's approach. Some find it helpful and sustaining, with great information on building deep, life-affirming emotional connections. Others feel it encourages passive aggressive behaviors and is not a substitute for real anger management.
"...be the reason why I engage in relationships in a healthier and more secure approach, with myself and others...." Read more
"...is giving me and understanding of NVC although it's not a substitute for real anger management but it's a start" Read more
"Has stood the test of time. Great information." Read more
"...It encourages passive aggressive behaviors and says labeling and judging people is wrong, but then uses labels and describes how to judge people by..." Read more
Customers have different views on the book's characterization. Some find it straightforward and helpful, while others mention unsupported claims and anecdotes that are hard to believe. They feel the book is unrealistic and overly complicated, pushing an ideology that is unrealistic.
"...It unfortunately has some very naive and unrealistic views that are presented that it believes are the absolute best ways to communicate and it’s..." Read more
"...All very human & relatable. He is not pie in the sky rhetoric. Hard core Simplistic principle that you can incorporate into life...." Read more
"...I like the concepts but the examples are shallow and hard to believe...." Read more
"...The book is terrible. Overly complicated, and filled with bad stories. They could have said everything on 10 pages or less and then moved on." Read more
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The 2nd edition is better than the 3rd
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on January 13, 2025Having empathy in a disagreement in huge in developing excellent communication skills. Would highly recommend this book and its very pointed examples.
- Reviewed in the United States on November 13, 2020I first want to indicate that the five stars I am awarding this book is not because everything was perfect. There are a lot of issues I have with how the chapters are ordered, the flow of the book, etc, but the content of this book is so helpful and necessary to humans that it certainly compensates for the other faults of the book.
A weirdly titled book, sure, but a necessary read nonetheless. Essentially, humans don’t do a very good job at communicating with each other. The author suspects this is due to some communication patterned that came to exist when their were kings and servants, but regardless of where it came from, it certainly exists now.
Have you every felt attacked when someone said something? Have you ever reacted to a statement instead of actually contemplating it. This book is able to teach us why we act the way we do and how to better communicate our feelings, wants, and needs all in a couple sentences. When we say “I feel...” “I think...” generally these are not expressing our feelings, but rather some thought. For example, “I feel like a lazy slob today”. That isn’t a feeling. That’s an interpretation of the situation we are in through our own mental prism. What we should say is “I feel discouraged from working due to the topic of the work I am working on.” Expressing what we are feeling helps us to figure out what we really need (so that when we talk to someone for advice/help, we can more effectively obtain that assistance).
The breakdown of the method is as follows: 1) Determine what we are observing; 2) Determine what we are feeling; 3) Determine what we are needing; 4) Determine what we would like to request in order to fulfill that need. If we can follow these simple steps as humans, the constant complaining and miscommunication that constantly occurs between us would dramatically decrease (not go away completely of course). Our inabilities to determine what we are actually feeling and most importantly, to express that to whoever we ware talking to (and feel relatively comfortable doing so) is what really hinders us as humans.
One way to get better at communicating is to sit back and think about what we are feeling an to express that to others. Don’t just react to what someone says, but rather say what their statements/words made you feel. To advance your progress, try to get other people to express what they are feeling. Try to guess at their thoughts (if you guess wrong that is okay, they will likely correct you and lead you in the right direction). For example, if someone says to you “I can’t believe the weather person got the predictions wrong again! This is crazy!”. You could easily reply with “It sounds like you’re upset that the predictions weren’t correct.” The person might continue on and get to why they are really expressing their thoughts (perhaps because they really wanted to go for a walk with a family member that day but it had to be canceled due to the poor weather). This is all about receiving someone’s words empathically. Listening for feelings and trying to guess at them could really help you and the other person out in terms of effectively communicating with one another.
Overall, this is a fantastic book. A book that I wish was mandated in schools, in businesses, etc. I promise you will pull out something useful from this book and subconsciously start employing some of the information you learned. And if you can diligently practice what it teaches, that would be even better. Words are the easiest way for people to hurt one another and to cause problems. If we can better communicate to achieve the desirable outcome for both parties involved, then that would lead to a more satisfying and happy life.
- Reviewed in the United States on June 2, 2018I got this on Audible a couple weeks ago and was pleasantly surprised with the quality of the book...so I bought it on kindle, too! I listened to the entire book within a day or so, and I started implementing the techniques on the first day! It made it so much easier to figure out what I really wanted out of sticky relationship situations, communicate in a way that is in line with my values, and not feel so bad if I receive venom in return (though usually these techniques nip the issues in the bud). The author's narration is perfect. A lot of the information seems intuitive...yet it does take work! - because, sadly, many if not most of us grow up in an environment with distorted social constructs, violence, and trauma. It takes a bit of "un-learning
I have read dozens of "self-help" books and other resources on psychology, mental health, and relationships. Some of these were woo-woo fluff which missed the point, others were more specific to certain types of conflicts.....really they all say the same things from different perspectives... Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communication: A language of life" is one of the books that stands on a shelf of its own, and one that I will surely revisit over time. The book lays things out clearly and simply (comprehensively). It's refreshingly un-biased. It provides practical tips and examples of how to execute NVC so that everyone's needs get met and we move toward harmony/real connection. There's a basic framework to NVC: observe without evaluation, feeling, need, request. NVZ is hard work, but it's a valuable skill!
Nonviolent Communication is a great resource for anyone new to non-violent communication. I think this book is also an excellent "refresher" book for those Jedis out there who want to brush up on their communication skills while working on emotional intelligence and self-awareness. If you've ever been stuck in a victim/bully situation, co-dependency, any form of interpersonal abuse or trauma...or not - I think most if not all people can benefit from reading this book! - then you may find the information in this book to be healing and empowering (also humbling). Best wishes for your process of building a peaceful life, relationships, and personal autonomy :-)
Top reviews from other countries
- Cliente KindleReviewed in Brazil on August 7, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book
Great book! I've learned a lot with it
- Blake PReviewed in Canada on June 30, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars A (or the) NVC essential resource
Absolutely love this book . Potentially life-changing take on human communication, and a very welcome critique of conventional reward-and-punishment oriented Western culture. As Marshal Rosenberg says, NVC is not just a powerful tool for enhancing your life, but a whole way of being. Cannot recommend this highly enough.
- William Pérez PalomequeReviewed in the United Arab Emirates on January 18, 2025
5.0 out of 5 stars How to Talk So People Actually Listen—And You Stay Friends!
This book is like a masterclass in communication that should honestly be required reading for, well, everyone. Marshall Rosenberg breaks down the art of speaking and listening in a way that helps you avoid conflict and actually connect with others (even when you really don’t agree).
The best part? It’s not just about avoiding fights; it’s about building stronger relationships. The steps are practical, with real-life examples that make you go, “Oh, I’ve totally been in that situation!” The focus on empathy and understanding makes it feel less like a self-help book and more like a life skill manual.
A minor con? It takes some practice to apply the techniques, especially if you’re used to reacting emotionally. But hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day, right? Some parts might feel repetitive, but I think it’s intentional to drive home the key points.
Overall, it’s a powerful guide to communicating in a way that reduces misunderstandings, resolves conflict, and fosters compassion. Highly recommend if you’re ready to level up your people skills!
4.8/5
- Raffaella BelgiqueReviewed in Italy on October 27, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars Life saving in a stormy world
I was very skeptic about Psycolgy (and psychiarty), as Rosemberg was. And I still am, but with just one exception: NVC by a poor, painfull human that was called Marshall Rosenberg. Thank you forever Marchall!
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PaulReviewed in Germany on August 9, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars lifechanging
Muss jeder lesen, der sich für die Dynamiken des menschlichen Miteinanders interessiert. Hat meine Wahrnehmung der Welt nachhaltig verändert. Punkt.