I couldn't put this book down, reading it in two sittings where I normally only get to devote 30 minutes at a time (weekends only) to engage in leisure reading. I liked the author's writing style from an unrelated article some several months back but honestly wouldn't have put her name together with this book, nor maybe even have run across the book at all, but for her appearance on a podcast I listen to daily. That one episode- not particularly focused on the book itself- made me immediately order the book, and I wasn't disappointed.
Aside from a rare talent for description that digs deep and then surfaces a distilled understanding that makes perfectly clear the underpinnings of the scene, the author equips readers with the ability to follow the characters lock-step in a way that feels personal, revealing, and uniquely participatory. Think: If Bob Ross were to have broken down the unforgiving/unforgivable ennui and tortuous stagnation rewarded to women siloed by gendered expectations of career/partnerhood/motherhood/ambition/sexuality/aggression/fulfillment in the same way he could dismantle, clarify, and reconstitute a landscape into its component parts. Even the delivery of this story, which is accomplished by following the challenges posed to the (sympathetic) male hero, embodies the concepts explored in the book that a woman's story can only be told (accepted?) through the male experience. We like Toby, we root for Toby, and his experience is no less valid or significant... But the unheard story is that of Rachel, whose half of the marital decline is summed up in only a few pages- a footnote to the story of Toby.
The point is not that the book focused on Toby and his experience, but is much deeper; would the story, if told exclusively from the position of Rachel, be palatable? As sympathic? Would Rachel also be seen as the hero/victim, or as an ungrateful, dissatisfied, and overly ambitious semi-villain who selfishly placed her material wants over family and a devoted partner? Would this book even be received by readers if it told the story of a driven woman who was forced to balance, somewhat precariously, a career and children and found her life unsatisfactory despite undeniable success, relative wealth/privilege, and a supportive husband? Or would its "acceptance" be another "the future is female" empty gesture at best, at worst a nagging, self-indulgent example of a third wave feminist trope? The author seems to suggest, through the side story of the narrator, that this focus- the lens that transforms the counternarrative of Rachel into a digestable, secondary story- is a deliberately covert way to make this point. And it's effective.
The book tells a good story. But more significantly, reading it was therapeutic. All the frenetic, painfully conflicted ways of thinking about paths and paths not taken, the tradeoffs required to aim high (but not too high), to be a partner (but too often more paternalistic than partnered in the uneven negotiation of egos and expectations), and the unwavering guilt of it all... The way these considerations are put on us and put on ourselves, the way even women judge other women- directly or indirectly, these things aren't talked about. Not really.
This book presents a kind of comfort in knowing that one's experience and ways of processing and feeling aren't unique. That your variety of madness and disquiet aren't personal. And that if, when you read Toby's story, you both sympathize and instinctively feel the presence of the anti-matter in that universe, that of Rachel's experience, you are not selfish or alone.
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Popular Highlights in this book
The world diminished a woman from the moment she stopped being sexually available to it, and there was nothing to do but accept that and grow older.Highlighted by 1,911 Kindle readers- Whatever kind of woman you are, even when you’re a lot of kinds of women, you’re still always just a woman, which is to say you’re always a little bit less than a man.Highlighted by 1,635 Kindle readers
- AGAIN I’LL SAY IT: Life is a process in which you collect people and prune them when they stop working for you. The only exception to that rule is the friends you make in college.Highlighted by 1,414 Kindle readers
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Reviews with images
Brodesser-Akner's voice hits the perfect pitch.
Toby Fleishman wants the happy ever after, but finds himself adrift in the meh-at-best world of the newly separated. He’s earnestly looking for company to fill the void after his wife leaves. When not feuding with his ex or tackling unfairness in his job as a hepatologist, he enjoys a healthy string of physical relationships arranged through a hook-up app.Brodesser-Akner's voice hits the perfect pitch for Toby’s character. She illustrates the complexities of a modern marriage and paints a vivid picture of relatable stressors to any marriage—career demands, trying children, and the lure of success. Keeping the reader’s attention with intimate views of the good, bad, and, at times, ugly-naked, Brodesser-Akner's language is as raw and real as the tenderness between Toby and his children. Toby may not have a strong game plan for dating, but his devotion to his children can’t be questioned.Brodesser-Akner draws us onto Toby’s team with humor and tenderness, and once we’re firmly planted, she mixes it up with a close-up of his estranged wife, proving no matter how flat you make it, there are always two sides to a pancake.
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Catharina
Reifeprozess als Folge einer Reflexion über Lebensentscheidungen.
Reviewed in Germany on August 16, 2021