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Infidelity: A Survival Guide Paperback – Big Book, June 1, 1998

4.2 4.2 out of 5 stars 55 ratings
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The discovery of an infidelity can deliver a devastating blow—but it can be survived. Psychologist Don-David Lusterman has spent thousands of hours counseling clients who needed help coping with infidelity. In this book, he shares what he has learned in a step-by-step format that helps readers cope with the emotional impact of the affair, decide what it tells them about their marriage, and either choose to break up or begin to rebuild their relationship.

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  1. Print length
    224 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    New Harbinger Publications
  4. Publication date
    June 1, 1998
  5. Dimensions
    6 x 0.48 x 9 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    9781572240872
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1572240872
  8. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Don-David Lusterman, a psychologist practicing in Baldwin, New York, believes that couples who work hard can save their marriages following an affair: "People often find that once infidelity is discovered and its aftereffects are behind them, their relationship is stronger than before, and subsequent infidelity is unlikely." This isn't true only of married couples--Lusterman points out that people in long-term, committed relationships, whether straight or gay, face the same devastating emotions and have to go through a similar rebuilding process if they want to remain together after one has strayed. Whether or not a troubled couple chooses to stay together, Lusterman says the best outcome is when both partners experience changes and new insights into their lives. He provides several case studies in which couples began to regain their trust through new communication, and instructs on the kind of feelings-expressing language that can help. (He also provides a section on finding a good therapist.) This book will help people on either side of an affair begin to understand what's going on, and help them find the resources they need to continue that quest. --Ben Kallen

Review

“A wise and thoughtful book that will help many people write a happy ending to a pain-filled story.”
—Rabbi Harold Kushner, author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People and How Good Do We Have to Be?




“Infidelity: A Survivial Guide is a wonderful guide for couples dealing with the aftermath of an infidelity. As a wise and very knowledgeable therapist, Dr. Lusterman clearly explains the complex dynamics of infidelity. He provides an excellent road map for both partners to rebuild trust and then take a path that can lead to a better marriage.”
—Constance R. Ahrons, Ph.D., author of The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Falls Apart



“Don-David Lusterman draws on his years of experience as a therapist to provide extraordinary insight into understanding and surviving a partner’s one-night stand, philandering, or affair. Dr. Lusterman goes beyond just helping people survive this experience to helping them learn from it and turn it into an opportunity for personal growth. This book can benefit not only the discoverer and the involved partner, but it also offer invaluable perspective for family members and friends.”
—Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ 1572240873
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ New Harbinger Publications; 1st edition (June 1, 1998)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 224 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9781572240872
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1572240872
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 10.8 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.48 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.2 4.2 out of 5 stars 55 ratings

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Don-David Lusterman

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4.2 out of 5 stars
55 global ratings

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Top reviews from the United States

  • Bean
    5.0 out of 5 stars This book REALLY helped!
    Reviewed in the United States on January 17, 2014
    Verified Purchase
    The book helped me to understand what is behind infidelity. My ex-husband had many affairs during our 23 year history and the book really provided me with some insight into how affairs manifest and grow. The book also helped me to deal and cope with my feelings of betrayal. I highly recommend this book to anyone (especially women) who have been cheated on.
    4 people found this helpful
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  • BW
    5.0 out of 5 stars Well Worth The Read
    Reviewed in the United States on April 28, 2008
    Verified Purchase
    Infidelity is a life altering event for most people and can be a horrible thing to try and find reconcilation with. This book offers insight into the many different aspects of it. It can't change the situation for the people who are the dealing with this issue but it does help to answer some of the millions of questions that plaque the minds of those afflicted by this most heartbreaking event. It is certainly worth the time it takes to read.
    3 people found this helpful
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  • M. C. Escher
    4.0 out of 5 stars A MUST-READ for every therapist and couple that has dealt with infidelity
    Reviewed in the United States on February 24, 2015
    Verified Purchase
    As a therapist, I am always looking to garner new nuggets of truth to help my clients. I must admit that I have only skimmed this book, but the portions that I've read have been insightful and helpful.
    2 people found this helpful
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  • MEL
    3.0 out of 5 stars A Helpful Read...
    Reviewed in the United States on January 24, 2011
    Verified Purchase
    I bought this book based on the excellent reviews it has received on this website. I was seeking a book that would help my spouse and I to deal with the infidelity that has occurred in our marriage in hopes of learning to rebuild trust and more importantly, better communication. I had hoped this book would give my spouse some insight as to how and why the affair possibly occurred. The insight that I have found however, is that the communication lessons included in the book will only work if both parties accept blame for their part in what went wrong in the marriage, show remorse and willingness to change, show empathy for one another and a sincere interest in saving the marriage. If one party feels that they have NEVER done anything wrong in the marriage and the fault falls on the other's shoulders primarily, then there is no book that you will ever read that will help you. Having said all of that, this book did help me to recognize my feelings and identify with why I feel the way I do about certain situations. It helped me to organize my thoughts in a healthy, productive way and I have come to the realization that perhaps my marriage cannot be saved. This book addresses divorce, as well as how to deal with your children and help them cope. I did find this book to be quite helpful in most areas. I am even more enlightened now, after reading, that it takes two to marry, two to destroy a marriage and TWO TO SAVE A MARRIAGE.
    14 people found this helpful
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  • Sharon
    5.0 out of 5 stars I recommend this book to other going through infidelity
    Reviewed in the United States on June 24, 2013
    Verified Purchase
    This guide help me reflect and gain insight to my marriage and the betrayal. I referred back to this book many times while going through my struggles of being betrayed having many of the points highlighted and described in details that were easy for me to understand and relate to.
    2 people found this helpful
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  • Saabaxa
    5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
    Reviewed in the United States on November 13, 2014
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    Great
    Helpful
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  • Borowy26
    5.0 out of 5 stars Faith and Trust Put to the Test
    Reviewed in the United States on October 5, 2007
    This is a brief and succinct book on the subject of infidelity. While much of the material is addressed to couples experiencing marital difficulties, the counsel and advice provided is helpful to unmarried couples in long term relationships also. Too often, the term "infidelity" is used as a polite euphemism for adultery. While infidelity can include adultery, a more narrow term which has both legal and moral implications, infidelity is really a much broader concept that relates to betrayal, disloyalty and faithlessness. Infidelity is all about breaching trust. As Lusterman correctly observes, while adultery always involves illicit sexual activities in violation of marital vows for at least one of the parties in the triangle, infidelity can encompass even purely emotional affairs that do not necessarily include sexual intimacy in all instances. Someone who maintains that a long time confidant is just "a good friend" may very well be involved in infidelity nonetheless by violating the exclusivity of another relationship with an innocent third person. One may be engaged in infidelity through dishonesty and unfaithfulness alone. Since communication is a key element to the success of any meaningful relationship, constant lying or omitting to speak the truth often rises to the level of infidelity. While many couples are able to rehabilitate their relationships by renewing communications after an episode of infidelity is exposed and improve themselves in the process, Lusterman warns that such recoveries are impossible with offending individuals who fail to admit their faults despite evidence to the contrary and who refuse to express any remorse for the harm that their actions have caused to others. The best one can do in these instances is to admit the obvious and move forward. Lusterman has a doctoral degree and a lengthy career record as a therapist. This concise book addresses the pain and shock that often accompanies the discovery of infidelity, often after lengthy periods of suspicion, and methods for coping with the hurt and recovering a sense of one's own self esteem. In an era in which many people rely upon the Internet to maintain regular communications and in which long distance relationships are increasingly common as a result, one needs to be prepared. Bad things sometimes do happen to good people. Lusterman's book is a valuable reference tool. It may even serve to promote a sense of healing for some people who have been victims of infidelity and allow them to forgive those who committed the acts of infidelity.
    18 people found this helpful
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  • K-Dizzle
    4.0 out of 5 stars Helpful book
    Reviewed in the United States on April 19, 2015
    Verified Purchase
    Bought this for a fiend, and I hope it helps with their understanding and pain.
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  • Amazon Customer
    5.0 out of 5 stars Must Read!
    Reviewed in Canada on August 12, 2016
    Verified Purchase
    Extremely helpful for both the offending partner and the discovering partner. It's plainly written and easy to understand, and a great starting point to move past the trauma phase and begin healing - whether that means staying together or not.
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  • Yael Barth
    5.0 out of 5 stars Empfehlenswert
    Reviewed in Germany on April 12, 2014
    Verified Purchase
    Eine einfühlende Schilderung und hilfreiche Analyse dieses Kritischen Lebens Ereignisses. Die Theorie wird anschaulich mit Beispielen aus der Praxis verknüpft.
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  • Honeypie
    5.0 out of 5 stars Help for those in trouble
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 17, 2007
    Verified Purchase
    One reader called this a lifeboat in a sea of despair and I bought this book on that recommendation. How true it was! This book was SO helpful to me as I struggled with the fall out of my husband's affair. It is readable, useful for both the offending partner and the betrayed partner (we got him a copy of his own) and it probably did more to help us than 11 weeks of marriage counselling. It is a good first port of call in a sea of confusion and despair.

    Read my other reviews for other books that I also found helpful in trying to deal with damage an affair causes to all involved. "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass is especially useful if the affair is a work place affair and/or if (like me) you need more help with recovery than this book alone can offer.
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  • Rhosundu
    5.0 out of 5 stars The Taboo of Infidelity
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 9, 2013
    Verified Purchase
    This book is a brilliant guide to help you through the catastrophic effects of infidelity, especially if therapy is not an option .it helped me to soothe the pain of many years of betrayals.
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  • Me Colin Albright
    4.0 out of 5 stars Helps to understand it all....
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 15, 2004
    Verified Purchase
    If you have ever been the victim of infidelity the biggest problem is getting your head around why a loyal and trusted partner would do something like this to you...
    This book gives you some insight on the reasons behind what has happened and how, to some degree, your partner has sectioned off this "double life" in thier head... It's also important to understand that you are not always the problem..., and the book offers some comfort in helping you to come to terms with this..
    It gets a bit heavy after a while, but it is a complicated topic...
    It could happen to anyone, and sadly you never know when...
    Well worth a read if this has happened to you...
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